Feeling shitty about being a mom...

I wasn’t sure if this site would even have a blog feature, but I’m compelled to write this because I honestly just need to know that I’m not alone.

This morning was hard.

But it didn’t start baldy. I woke up, had my daily hot water+lemon+apple cider vinegar combo, made sure the latest Shades of Content episode was live, ordered my Friday coffee to pick up, and had yogurt and milk waiting for my babies to eat when they woke up. I even facetimed my mom, which always makes me smile.

Then, things got tricky. Even though my 3 year old wouldn’t sit on the pot and my 1 year old was crying, I got us all cleaned up, dressed and headed downstairs to go pick up my coffee (note: Friday coffee is really what I look forward to at the end of the week. I’ve cut back on my coffee consumption since COVID-19 to save money and help lose weight. I don’t have a lot of things that are just for me now, so I value the small things that allow me to care for myself and myself only).

But, then I realized that since my husband was home, he could just go get the coffee (like he did last week). So, I asked him. His attitude wasn’t the best and he told me that “getting coffee isn’t a reason to have his kids out in the cold”, which to me meant “you’re not a good mother.” I didn’t respond though, at least not right away.

I had time to think while he was gone, however, and then got pissed. Like PISSED pissed. Aside from me interpreting what he said as me not being a good mother, I was also hurt that he couldn’t understand how this coffee, while small and seemingly non impactful, was really one of VERY FEW things that I do for me.

Needless to say, when he got back, I went off - calmly, but definitely with a bite lol. He didn’t see my point, so we didn’t come to an amicable agreement. (Oh, and I caught my 13 year-old sneaking to play video games when he was supposed to be doing school work… *eye-roll)

Then, my daughter started crying , which made me even more frustrated. So frustrated that I yelled at her loudly and stormed outside. Then, I started to cry. The tears had layers though - I was mad at myself for yelling and taking my frustration out on her, sad that my husband couldn’t just STFU, and pissed that my oldest constantly disobeyed me.

I felt the anger. I felt the loneliness, like no one in the house cared about me. I feel like that a lot… maybe like other moms. And it hurts my feelings. I have feelings!

I eventually brought my daughter outside with me - the fresh air helped calm her down - and we just sat on the porch and hugged each other really tight. We came back inside, she ate her breakfast and I drank my coffee.

Being a mom is hard. There are so many things that I don’t know and everything’s been heightened since being home for COVID-19. I don’t know what the moral of this post is and I can’t really give away any key takeaways. I also went back and forth with whether or not I even wanted this on the blog, let alone as the first post that you read. But, here it is.

Just know that if you’re feeling shitty about being a mom, it’s OK. I feel like that too sometimes.

Typically on Mother’s Day, I do something by myself - last year, I went to brunch and then chilled in my space for some peace and quiet. I don’t know how the day is going to pan out this year, but I let my husband and oldest son know that I will NOT be doing any of the mommy things that I normally do. They’re gonna have to figure it out.

I pray that you have an amazing Mother’s Day weekend. Talk back to me in the comments. Much love!…